Shahid

I suppose it all started with Madge. Madge? Yes Madge. Of course, she went for the slightly more worthy, if not pithy epithet of “Madonna”.

What is it with the first-name-terms pop stars of today? Here’s a list off the top of my head:

• Desiree
• Sade
• Usher
• Jamelia
• Kelis
• Lemar
• Dido
• Anastacia
• Rowetta, Tabby and…Steve (of X-Factor “fame” - yes - fucking STEVE.)

I’m not counting such notables as Sting, Prince and their ilk. Strictly speaking, Madonna is a brand and not even a first name, but she still fits in with the Steves and Roettas of this world as a dumb-down artist. Sting et al don’t count because Sting is a nickname. And Prince is a worthy epithet for one of the greatest writers of the pop era.

I might even be able to discount Sade, because first: the lady is classy. And second: the band adopted her name. It wasn’t used to dumb-down her image.

Dido on the other hand, should have used every trick in the book to mask her all too real, and utterly profane first name. Just one slip of the ‘l’ key from a journalist and the lawsuits would come flying. Let’s face it, she should be sued for trying to attach her fame to a word that had much widespread usage before she had arrived on the scene, courtesy of an Eminem sample. And before you ask, Eminem doesn’t count, it’s made-up.

Which begs the question - what kind of parent would dub their child “Jamelia” or some such quasi-cultural hogwash? You can see it on every impoverished high street in any culturally bereft and principle-abandoned London backwater. Children named after a double-penetration-double-barreled-pop-diva-moron. This whole trend reached its nadir when the fuck-ups of Albert Square named their spawn-of-under-age-fornication “Beyonce”. I forget the first name, but it doesn’t matter. It was generated by a computer program working to set principles.

Start with a consonant. Continue with an “a”. Bridge with a tough consonant or if you’re really flash, a dipthong. Continue with a double “e”, or if you have ideas above your station, an “i” which is pronounced the same way. Abut with a soft consonant or a dipthong, usually an “sh” style sound, which can take the form “ti” or “ch” if you’re particularly adventurous. Of course, an “l” can also be used, but the use of another letter will move you away from the orthodoxy of modern-trailer-trash nomenclature. Then finish with the Arabic flourish of a trailing “ah” sound.

Thus I can generate:

• Latitia
• Kameescha
• Rajeena
• Haneela
• Zakeesha
• Vabilia (this is really out there)

But I digress. The real issue I have is with pop stars, or the wannabees who grace(!!!!) our vote-in shows and TOTP. It’s obviously because the marketing types know that the attention span of their listener - and perhaps even their intelligence, does not extend to the capacity of being able to recall surnames.

The X-Factor has played its part in bringing about what I hope to be the imminent demise of this abhorrent practice, which I put on a par with the live burial of new-born girls in pre-Islamic Arabia and modern China and India. It was a mercy of the British public that the armpit-flashing Cassie was told in no uncertain terms, to fuck right off. But that wasn’t the end of it. I have only one word for you. Tabby. A supposed rock-star going by the generic name of an inoffensive domestic pet. Not exactly a rebel then.

It has reached its nadir with the X-Factor and that faceless, clueless, characterless moron who is known simply as “Steve”. Yes. Steve. Perhaps that’s all he deserves. Perhaps his parents just don’t want to know. And perhaps that’s why they called him “Steve” to begin with.