February 2005

My extended family in Pakistan - uncles, aunts, cousins etc. have found out that I left the sect called Ahmadiyya and reverted to mainstream Islam. I doubt they’re very happy about it. I didn’t consult them. Apparently, they’ve found my blog Cough Remedy that I’ve used to document my concerns and feelings about what I thought was a cult. It will mean nothing to those who aren’t aware of the Indian subconteintal esoterica at the fringes of Islam.

I’m not a raving fundamentalist loon. I’m not seeking to justify my behaviour to any human either. Beyond being subject to the rule of law, which I strive to follow, my religion and belief is between me and my Maker. If you have an issue with the way I run my life, you have my email address. I will probably tell you to fuck off though.

I’ve not talked about why I left Ahmadiyya on this blog. I will at some point. It’s not important right now.

I’m leaving my current flat imminently, so don’t expect me to be too active for a while. Write to me if you ‘re still interested!

Women know nothing about football. It’s not that they can’t understand the offside rule. It’s not even that they can’t talk about the game. The reality is that they have something missing. It’s like they don’t have a soul. Imagine an American talking about football. You’re beginning to get the picture. Americans don’t even use the same terms. But women are actually worse than Americans. They are the fifth column. You might think their involvement helps get more women interested and that might make the life of men easier when talking about the game they love. But I don’t want women interested. And neither do most men. So please, I’m asking you nicely, fuck off.

Let me give you a couple of examples. Gabby “The Fake” Logan was on ITV tonight. She made two catastrophic errors. The first was a segue to some other sport news item (probably to do with men again) when she said “without gain, you won’t get pain”. Right. Then later, when showing Bayer Leverkeusen getting a consolation goal back against Liverpool to bring the score to 3-1, she said of Leverkeusen’s scorer - “that sealed it”. Erm, yeah Gabby. Now fuck off and knit.

You know, women doing football is like watching someone from a distance out of Invasion of the Bodysnatchers. You’re not quite sure about their essential humanity. I mean, they look human. They move like humans. But they are not. They remind me of the Israeil Mossad interrogator who gets his victims to co-operate by making them believe he knows more about Islam than they do. How? He asks them to answer such pointless esoterica as “which is the only chapter in the Qur’an without the letter ‘Meem’ in it?” Erm, who cares dude? That’s the kind of thing a woman might know. But she wouldn’t know anything about the essence of football. Gabby looks like a commentator on football. Sometimes she even talks like one. But she will never, ever be one. Not even if she has a sex change. Now Gabby, fuck off to synchronised swimming, or something. Bye!

All work and no play makes Duke a dull boy. All work and no play makes Duke a dull boy. All work and no play makes Duke a dull boy. All work and no play makes Duke a dull boy. All work and no play makes Duke a dull boy. All work and no play makes Duke a dull boy. All work and no play makes Duke a dull boy. All work and no play makes Duke a dull boy. All work and no play makes Duke a dull boy. All work and no play makes Duke a dull boy. All work and no play makes Duke a dull boy. All work and no play makes Duke a dull boy. All work and no play makes Duke a dull boy. All work and no play makes Duke a dull boy. All work and no play makes Duke a dull boy. All work and no play makes Duke a dull boy. All work and no play makes Duke a dull boy. All work and no play makes Duke a dull boy. All work and no play makes Duke a dull boy. All work and no play makes Duke a dull boy. All work and no play makes Duke a dull boy. All work and no play makes Duke a dull boy. All work and no play makes Duke a dull boy. All work and no play makes Duke a dull boy. All work and no play makes Duke a dull boy.

This article aims to debunk some of the 9/11 myths.

After sending a detailed response to Moorcroft, who are the debt recovery company for Three - that third division mobile operator, whoops, I meant third generation, I received the following:

DEAR MR AHMAD

RE : THREE

FURTHER TO YOUR RECENT CORRESPONDENCE, I WRITE TO CONFIRM THAT WE REQUIRE A MONTHLY REPAYMENT PROPOSAL YOU CAN AFFORD AND MAINTAIN TO ENABLE US TO ASSIST YOU FURTHER.

YOURS SINCERELY,

A.J.MARTIN
ACCOUNTS DEPARTMENT

(Yes, they wrote in caps, or rather, their computer did)

You will see just how absurd this reponse is when you see my original letter to these morons:

Dear Sir/Madam,

Re: Moorcroft reference 008088939664(D-PC62)

Further to your letter dated 21/1/2005, I’m writing to ask for more time to deal with the matter. I will be happy to contact you by 21/2/2005.

In the meantime, I wish to advise you that I strongly contest any debt claimed by your client. I have not received a reply to letters I have sent them, or phone calls I have made to them. I have made detailed notes of all my dealings with your client and look forward to fighting them in court where I expect to win and to recover costs.

I want to add that I am currently in tens of thousands of pounds of debt, I am on Income Based Job Seekers Allowance, my health is very poor and I have sought advice from the Fulham Citizens Advice Bureau. In the extremely unlikely event that your client remains arrogant enough to try to take me to court for money they aren’t entitled to, and in the even unlikelier event that they win, I still wouldn’t have a penny to give. I very much doubt this eventuality, but perhaps your client would like to bear the above in mind before pursuing a case where they have behaved so atrociously.

Note that I haven’t used the 3 service for most of 2004. Please advise your client accordingly and if I don’t hear from you before the 21st of February 2005, I shall write to you again with details of my correspondence with your client and other parties.

Yours faithfully,

Shahid Ahmad

Dear Mr Ahmad

Thank you for your recent email regarding the article in GQ. Whilst we are pleased you saw the article we are, of course, very sorry to hear of your experience with this pair of pyjamas that you purchased from Selfridges.

Normally, we would expect consumers to return their goods to the store from which they were purchased but, to be honest, it is so rare that we have a complaint of this nature that we would be pleased to handle this directly.

If you would like to send the pyjamas to us at the address below, we will have our Quality Control Department examine them and get back to you as soon as possible with our findings. On the basis that there was a manufacturing error we will gladly offer a replacement pair of pyjamas in either the same design or one as similar as possible, stocks permitting. Given the fact that you purchased the item so long ago it will most likely be a ‘similar’ pair.

We would draw your attention to the fact that we cannot offer you any financial re-imbursement since, strictly speaking, we did not sell you the pyjamas. Should you wish to pursue this avenue we would recommend that you raise the matter directly with Selfridges.

We are committed to supporting the people that buy our pyjamas and we will use our best efforts to make sure you are happy with each and every one of our products. Please advise us as to how you would like to proceed in this matter.

Kind regards
Fay

Fay Baker

Customer Services
t: +44 (0) 845 602 0745
f: +44 (0) 1260 296701
e: customerservices@drose.co.uk

Derek Rose Ltd.
Victor Mill, Worrall St
Congleton, Cheshire, CW12 1DT
England

The best of American TV is utterly spectacular. The scripts are polished. The effects spectacular and the plot-twists are breathtaking. My five favourites of recent times:

1. The Sopranos
2. 24
3. Curb Your Enthusiasm
4. The West Wing
5. Alias

Here’s a short list of things I’d know nothing about if it wasn’t for my friends:

1. The Farmer’s Market just behind Marylebone High Street on Sundays
2. The Irlen Syndrome
3. Microsoft’s Anti-Spyware software
4. I’m not a technically good singer, but my voice has a good tone, and the former can be taught, the latter cannot.
5. Under-sheet electric bed-heaters. Winter bliss!

1. My keys (Paul Smith silver key-fob for car key, and Seven Silver Safety Pin key ring for house keys)
2. My Paul Smith Wallet - a wallet for life. And so red!
3. My mobile phone. Currently a Sony Ericcson T630, soon to be replaced by a (free) Motorola V3 - that slim, sexy one
4. My Montblanc Starwalker fountain pen
5. My Smythson Bijou Jotter with featherweight paper

Oh and 5 things I have done without, but probably should remember

1. A watch
2. An idea of where I’m going
3. Insulin, glucose, other medication
4. Matching shoes (I recently went out with odd trainers on - and I didn’t notice until the next day!)
5. My dog-tags which would tell people that I’m diabetic in case of emergency

There are few things in life that feel as liberating as going out without everything on those lists list bar the keys!