I really, really hate my diabetes.
I have been a Type I diabetic for 33 years now. Every year I’ve had it, this pernicious, rapacious disease has never been satisfied with the level of damage it has inflicted on my body. Like an over-indulged child, it screams “MORE! MORE! MORE!”
I won’t go into detail on the history, but suffice to say I’m on pills for kidney disease, stratospheric cholesterol and blood pressure and I’ve had about 60% of my retinas burned out by laser to preserve what sight I have left. Every time a doctor looks into my eyes, I hear a gasp. They are staggered that I have managed to walk into their consulting room without a white cane. I’m not. I’m a firm believer in the power of the brain to re-wire itself and carry on.
That belief took a knock recently when I suffered two Transient Ischemic Attacks in three days, otherwise known as mini-strokes. These manifested as paralysis of the left side of my body. It was pretty scary, but I brushed it off. My employer urged me to use the private health cover they’ve been paying for to get myself checked out. That’s when I went through a battery of tests to find that I had suffered two mini strokes and that my vascular health is looking pretty bad.
I also have lost the pulses in my feet. In April I had them. In November, they were gone. That has scared the hell out of me. I don’t want to lose my mobility, which although not an immediate threat, is worrying simply because my diabetic neuropathy has also been discovered to be “profound”. That is, my nerves are damaged from somewhere near the top of my thighs down to my feet. And this neuropathy and the loss of pulses means that my cariovascular health is up the spout. The mini strokes served as a bleak reminder of how horrible the end stages of diabetic damage can be.
I am going to have surgery on both my knees soon to repair damaged cartilage. My knees have prevented me from exercising. Indeed, they have made it difficult for me to go up and down stairs recently. So I look forward to the surgery, despite the increased risk of going under general anaesthetic after a couple of TIAs. I will be able to start exercising again. That will help with control, with circulation and my burgeoning waistline.
I’m on new medication to thin the blood, so hopefully the risks of a stroke, at least a catastrophic one, are reduced. In the New Year, I see a cardiologist. Thank God for private. If I was NHS, as I have been, I might have had a full stroke by now.
In the meantime, I wake with agonising neuropathy pain, and recall with a shudder the stories of those diabetics who demand amputation just to stop those damaged nerves from firing signals that make it seem like their foot is on fire, or having nails driven through it. That’s how it sometimes feels like to me. Serving as a constant reminder of what has happened and what might yet be to come is permanent numbness in my left hand since the mini-strokes. Thankfully, an MRI has revealed no permanent brain damage, but what an MRI doesn’t show is how much worry the mind carries.
So much still to do. So little time. Where did it all go?
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Shahid, I am surprised and horrified to find out what you are going through. I could never have imagined your precise predicament. Like you, I do believe in the power of the mind and faith. I have always felt you to be a person with a highly tenacious attitude and spirit. I feel – no, I believe you can fight this (like you have been for so many years). I know that diabetes is not going to go away but I have more faith in you than most that you possess the mental faculty to face and to fight all the tough challenges ahead.
Continue to stay strong bro – and my best wishes and prayers are always with you. Please keep me updated on this.
I’m really sorry to know about your medical condition, Shahid. I am a reader since some months ago and I love reading your posts. I am so sorry that my English is so poor (in writing) that it makes impossible for me to write more and participate as I would like. I just want you to know that I am rooting for you, so that you can get pass this difficult moment. I hope that you could keep on and, hoppefully, keep writing here. Allt the best!
May Allah give you courage and patience.
I THINK U HAVE BEEN BLESSED WITH GREAT ABILITY AS A WRITER, THEREFORE BEING A MUSLIM TOO ILL REMEBER YOU IN MY PRAYERS, BECAUSE I FEEL UR DOING SOME VERY GOOD DEEDS STANDING UP FOR MUSLIMS AND SPEAKING UP AGAINST INJUSTICE THE WAY YOU DO. THATS JIHAD IN ITSELF.
God bless all of my Muslim brothers and sisters – jazakallah khaira – and may Allah (swt) keep us on the sirat-al-mustaqim.
And may Allah (swt) heal and unite all of humanity and help us to walk away from hatred and suffering towards Unity, Peace and Harmony. Insha’Allah.
Shahid, I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through. Right now I wish I was half the writer you are so I could properly express that, I can only say that you’re in my thoughts and prayers and that I’m sure your resilient spirit will get you through this with the utmost dignity and grace. Keep fighting the good fight, the world needs people like you.
Listen to the salutation of the dawn.
Look to this day,
For it is life,
The very life of life.
In its brief course lies all
The realities and truth of existence,
The joy of growth,
the splendor of action,
The glory of power
For yesterday is but a memory,
And tomorrow a vision.
But today well lived,
Makes every yesterday a memory of happiness,
And every tomorrow a vision of hope.,
Look well therefore to this day.
Shahid, peace and better health old friend.
C
I’m so sorry to hear about your condition and am in awe at your resilience and strength of mind. Keeping fighting the cause. You are needed.
Assalamu alaikum,
Ive been reading your posts for a couple of months now. I love the way you rant and rave, you have spirit and passion. Sorry to hear your health is not at its best- you’ll be in my prayers.
Get well soon bro.
You are all far better people than I – truly, you humble me with your well chosen words and your support.
Today was a bad day, but there are good days too and I pray tomorrow is one of those, insha’Allah.
Shahid, I have been enjoying your posts for many months. I enjoy your style of writing and your anger at the charlatans, hypocrites and warmongers.
You have spoken so many truths in your writing. You are Muslim I am Irish Catholic but the truth doesn’t distinguish between our religions. It is there for all humanity to see.
I wish you all the very best for the future & keep up the good work!!
May Allah cure your illness & may Allah give you more patience & strength & may Allah reward you for it in both this & the world after. Ameen.
I hope you get better, or at least find a less discomforting balance.
But as a first-time visitor to your site, courtesy of Minority Report, I would just like to say that you write like hate-filled fascist thug. I don’t know whether you were always thus, but you are now. Is this what your God — assuming you practice your religion rather than wear it as cultural badge like most of us — wants for you. Is this what you want for yourself.
You call yourself a Londoner, then behave like one. Name another city in the world — let alone in any predominantly Moslem country — that brings together as many races, religions, and tribes as this one does. And yet you talk about some of your fellow Londoners as if they were subhuman.
Dear El Cid,
Thank you for your kind, considerate and informed message at this difficult time.
Your opening line was so full of compassion, I was touched!
You must really know me well to make such an excellent judgement of my character.
Well clearly I don’t, since I’m a first time visitor.
But maybe it takes one to know one, having recently lost my temper on another political blog and spewed out a few profanities myself (I wouldn’t want to be hypocritical now would I?). Maybe it’s put me in an introspective mood. It strikes me that anger isn’t good for the soul, even when it’s justified.
On my friend de’s blog, you used a disrespectful term for my prophet. And here you come and insult me on a post where I write about the disease that is doing its best to kill me. If I write like a hate-filled fascist thug, then you write like a filthy, uneducated, drunken, boorish, racist cunt.
You don’t know me from Adam, you pick a few swear-words, miss the big picture entirely and have a dig at me when I’ve just come out of hospital – regular Mother Theresa, aren’t you?
And no – you could never know me – and we could never be alike – because no matter how much I’d hate someone like say – Michelle Malkin, if I knew she was being eaten by some horrible disease, I couldn’t bring myself to write some insensitive reply on a post of hers relating her suffering. That would surely make me sub-human. Ariel Sharon? General Pinochet? Fair game – they are/were murdering bastards. And last I’d heard, neither Malkin nor I had murdered anyone. (She is still a cunt though.)
Anger? Which cess-pit of booze-and-puke-fuelled, selfish introspection are you wallowing in? Anger is great! Not always of course. I get angry at injustice, tyranny, oppression and selfishness. I perhaps shouldn’t get so angry at selfishness, but really, that would be none of your fucking business.
Now – please – if you walk into a room where grown ups are talking, try doing it without your pants around your ankles.
that’s hilarious
seriously though, i do hope you get better. and don’t misjudge me if I smile
Thank you – and please ignore much of my ranting. I really don’t hate as much as I make out – much of it is to make an inverted point.
If you choose to hang around – and I hope you do – then hopefully, we’ll find the things that unite us. There’s plenty!
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