Leaving the Closet

When I reverted to Islam just over four years ago from the cult of Ahmadiyya, I was still in the dark about my new religion. Imagine you have n older sister who you’ve lived with all of your life, someone you didn’t see eye-to-eye with. You think you know her. She becomes a doctor. You think “hey, my sister’s a doctor, cool”. She works in A&E and does 72 hour shifts. You think “she works hard, but gets paid well”. She does the odd voluntary stint in poorer countries and you think “that’s nice”.  Well, that was my relationship with Islam before my reversion.

Then I had to do the equivalent of stepping into my sister’s shoes without medical training. I had to view the human wreckage in A&E – and deal with it. I had to actually be awake for 72 hours at a time and function at a level that most humans would just shout “give me my easy 9-5 desk job back!” at. I had to actually endure the privation of working at the same level with limited facilities in poorer countries and watch children die because for some reason I couldn’t fathom, a $10 life-saving treatment could not be made available.

I have learned that the world of Islam is deeper in wisdom and compassion than I could understand before. I thought I knew Islam, but I really didn’t. (And despite years of reading, mixing, learning, visiting, I still don’t). The difference is, now I get to see a side that was invisible to me because of the veil of ignorance I was safely behind. My metaphorical sister’s humility and decency hid the unfathomable reserves of love, wisdom, understanding and knowledge from my limited vision.

I read quite a few Muslim blogs now, the equivalent I guess of reading The Lancet as a layperson. Some of it I understand, some of it I am still learning. All the time, my faith deepens, my love and understanding increase and I realise that I have much work to do on my sabr. Certainly my knowledge has increased, but as any student knows, the more one learns, the less one realises one knows.

There are some interesting side-effects to this open reversion and professed love for Islam. I now come into contact with other people who “don’t know what it’s like to be a doctor” so to speak, who were in the same position as me. And sometimes, very rarely, if I’m lucky, I can help them over that perception barrier because of the journey I took. The more I travel down this road, the harder it becomes to be the person I left behind four years ago.

Then I also encounter those who through fear, ignorance, prejudice or hatred, hate Islam and Muslims, even when some of those people don’t outwardly make that claim. Nevertheless, their actions reinforce their hatred. There are many examples on my blog. I am often bemused by this, especially when someone visits the blog for the first time, makes a judgement call and then leaves. Sometimes I’m bemused enough that I’ll visit that person’s blog and ask “why”. And to their immense credit, very often such people will revise their positions after I’ve engaged with them. That’s changing perceptions one person at a time. Perhaps of just one Muslim, but if hatred of Islam and Muslims can come from few sources, maybe acceptance of Islam and Muslims can come from fewer still, insha’Allah.

I have managed to retain most of my friends through this transition. To many, I guess it’s the equivalent of watching someone shift career path. (The person is the same, just their business card has changed.) A shift to Islam is far deeper than that. I read with a mix of amusement and horror once that men are more likely to support the same football team than to stay married to the same woman. (I must confess to being guilty as charged). Islam is a deeper attachment than that. Far deeper. (Though if asked to switch allegiance from Liverpool to Manchester United in order to uphold and defend my faith, I might falter). This depth to which Islam permeates a person is something I never understood before and never could.

When I was a Qadiani, religion was a cloak I wore. The cloak could be substituted for another and the same effect would be achieved. Islam is a different principle entirely. It reaches the parts other faiths cannot reach. It is not about racial superiority as in much of Judaism nowadays, despite what the Islamophobes say. It is a birthright of all of Creation, living and non-living. That is a very difficult concept to explain to those who have not been imbued in it for some time. Of course, the perception of most to my new depth of attachment is not very different to what it was before. What I have noticed is that the new people I have met since embracing Islam do understand and have embraced me as a brother in a way I never could embrace them before. Alhamdulillah, now, with these new eyes, I can.

Tagged as: Ahmadiyya, Islam